Breakfast Jokes / Recent Jokes

People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top
of the Christmas tree.
It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to
get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told
Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch
to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all
the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.
At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with
Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized
she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out
to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night,
had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree.
Santa tried to more...

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET more...

I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only afew blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietlyentered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit." Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

Hi Erma,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.
Then, to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.
While the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the more...

Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not more...

New Miracle Diet! Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor. .. otherwise more...