Bride Jokes / Recent Jokes
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.
When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.
Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.
Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.
Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.
Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.
Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you more...
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked
pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might
kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,
"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an
alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I
thought he meant his money!!"
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!" "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -' Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"
A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On theirwedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her newgroom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How canthat be? You've been married twice..."The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was apsychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to dowas... Oh God, I miss him!"
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.Silly string! or, better more...
Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.
Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.
As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.
Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.
Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."
Tell everyone that the groom had more...
A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hardto build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought itwould be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one andon the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for thenearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags intothe wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home. They had traveled only twomiles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse toits feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagonsmiled at the woman and continued on thier way. They traveled only another twomiles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagonto whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO". He took his seatbeside his new bride and continued on thier way. After traveling another twomiles the horse stumbled for the more...