British Jokes / Recent Jokes

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants. The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

Paul Revere's horse galloped down the country road. The life of the colonies depended on his warning the people that the British were coming. He approached a farmhouse.
"Is your husband at home?" he called to the woman feeding chickens in the yard.
"He's back in the barn, Paul," she answered.
"Tell him to get his musket and go to the village square. The Redcoats are coining!"
The exchange of words had taken but an instant; Revere's horse had not broken its stride. The famous patriot thundered off towards the next farm.
"Is your husband at home?" Revere called to the woman in the doorway of the next farmhouse he approached.
"He's asleep in his room, Paul," she said.
"Tell him to get on his clothes," Revere cried.' The Minute Men are meeting at the village square. The British are coming!"
Horse and rider galloped on to still another home.
"Is your husband at home?" he more...

The normal way, if the British find they have a language problem with foreigners, is to just talk a bit LOUDER and hope that they understand it.
This guy was having the problems and he was shouting at this poor Italian guy. The Italian guy looked at him and said "What's the matter, are you foreigner or something?"
The British guy said "A foreigner? Good God no, I'm British!"

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I more...

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants. The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire." The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account." The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear." The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant." But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection." Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted." Give this man 30 dayscompassionate home leave." "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man." Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 dayscompassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given thisman two compassionate home leaves?" "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies." Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's air-tight


Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's got oil in it


Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not in Iraq


Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's no fighting involved


Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box?
A: Tell them there are votes in it


Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado


Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box?
A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there


Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box?
A: Tell the MI5 men it's Penton-ville Prison


Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's a slice of bread more...