British Jokes / Recent Jokes
Heaven is where the Lovers are Italian, the Engineers are German, the Police are British, and it is all managed by the Swiss. Hell is where the Lovers are Swiss, the Engineers are British, the Police are German, and it is all managed by the Italians!
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique
device for testing the strength of windshields on irplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of more...
There was a British, a polish, and a Frenchman. They were in a plane that had crashed. They were all really hot as they walked across the desert. After a hour, they saw a magic lamp. They shook it up and saw a genie come out. The genie told them that they each got one wish.
They British wished for a fan to cool down. The Polish wished for a jug of water so he could drink it. The Frenchman wished for a car door, so when he got hot, he could pull down the window.
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist.... Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield, smashed into smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U. S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's more...
3 kids in an english class have to think up a sentence that has pink green and yellow so the teacher calls up a mexican kid, a french kid, and a british kid.
the french kid walks up in front of the class and goes " to my sweet girl i give her a yellow daisy and a pick posie with green stems. " then the british kid walks up and goes " my pink mom serves green pancakes when the yellow sun comes up" an finally the mexican kid walks up and goes " the phone goes green green green i pink up de phone and say yellow?"
The normal way, if the British find they have a language problem with foreigners, is to just talk a bit LOUDER and hope that they understand it.
This guy was having the problems and he was shouting at this poor Italian guy. The Italian guy looked at him and said "What's the matter, are you foreigner or something?"
The British guy said "A foreigner? Good God no, I'm British!"