Bum Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says,' What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would more...

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he wentout and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might noticehim on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there wasthis bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. Thethe guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to thebum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy wentover to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off hisback. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of thisguy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to getthe hell out of here!"

I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes more...

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.
Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a more...