Bus Jokes / Recent Jokes

a woman gets on a bus with her baby. as she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: thats the ugliest baby i have ever seen. ugh!

the woman sits down, fuming. she says to a man next to her: the driver just insulted me!

the man says: you shouldnt take that. you tell him off – go ahead, i will hold your monkey.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived more...

The General went out to find that none of his G. I. s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here. ”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G. I. go. Moments later, eight more G. I. s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here. ”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G. I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus more...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The Brunette asks, “What the heck’s goin’ on up here? We’re havin’ a grand time downstairs! ”
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says…
“Yeah, but you’ve got a driver! ”

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the mans supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

This happened way back when there were only CTB buses plying on our roads.
One fine day, a bus driver went to the depot, started his bus, and drove off along the route. As there were no ticket vending machines in Sri Lankan buses, there is another person in the bus, called the' conductor' of the bus, whose duty is to issue tickets to the passengers and collect the fare.
No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however,' Thadi Piya', a big hulk of a guy got on. Well over six feet, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Thadi Piya doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the conductor was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Thadi Piya, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Thadi Piya got on again, made a show of refusing to more...