Busy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

How do you keep a blonde busy? See Below.
How do you keep a blonde busy? See Above.

How do you keep a blonde busy?
Put her in a room the shape of a circle and tell her to find the corner!

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The dining room table with clutter was spread
With pedigree charts and with letters which said. ..
"Too bad about the data for which you wrote
Sank in a storm on an ill fated boat."
Stacks of old copies of wills and the such
Were proof that my work had become much too much.
Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And I at my table was ready to drop
From work on my album with photos to crop.
Christmas was here, and of such was my lot
That presents and goodies and toys I forgot.
Had I not been so busy with grandparent's wills,
I'd not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.
While others had bought gifts that would bring Christmas cheer;
I'd spent time researching those birth dates and years.
While I was thus musing about more...

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming." I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All more...

Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?
Officer: Just stand where you are!!!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the all voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" more...