Button Jokes / Recent Jokes

Did you know that all over Washington DC, elevators are having labels taped over the' UP' button that read: VIAGRA

And over the' DOWN' button is a similar label reading: MONICA

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

--- Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

~ Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

~ Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines.

~ Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains

~ She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

~ Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.

~ The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

~ "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

~ Finally, more...

To: Windows R & D
From: Bill Gates
Re: Lack of progress in extending Windows interface to noncomputer environments
I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, I'm sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws of physics. Here's some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready products.
WINDOWS TOASTER:
This is one of the few products on which we have any agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the slices pop out again. But you complain that you can't figure out any way that double-clicking on the box will reduce the size of the toaster more...

1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason.
2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.
3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.
4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.
5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again... and again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say "Black magic! You all use black more...

At a place where I used to work, there is a huge sliding door
The sliding door is operated by two three-button-panels. One inside
the building and one outside.
One button has a left-arrow on it, the button in the center is a red
one with the word "STOP" on it, and then there's a button with a
right-arrow on it.
1. When your are operating the door from inside the building (The
panel is to the right of the door):
1. If the door is open and you want to close it, then the right button is
the right button, the button in the center is an emergency-stop-button
and the button that is left is the left button.
If, on the other hand, the door is closed and you want to open it,
then things get a little trickier. Because now the left button is the
right button, the button in the center is an emergency stop-button and
the button that is left is... the right button.
2. When your are operating the door from outside the building more...

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they more...

Seen in the latest copy of Windows Sources Magazine
Reprinted without their permission.
To: Windows R & D
From: Bill Gates
Re: Lack of progress in extending Windows interface to noncomputer environments
I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, I'm sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws of physics. Here's some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready products.
WINDOWS TOASTER:
This is one of the few products on which we have any agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the slices pop out again. But you complain that you more...