Buttons Jokes / Recent Jokes
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it more...
One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him... "what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously..John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie more...
Appearing on Dennis Miller's show, Red Buttons announced he was 80 years old, but that 80 is not old. He explained:
Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefooted.
Old is when your Doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.
Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
Old is when your wife says "lets go upstairs and make Love" and you answer "Honey, I can't do both"
And he adds...
Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm more...
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to
assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.The best submissions SWISS ARMY KNIFE -male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons more...
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because they have blond boyfriends
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example...
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often overinflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) more...