Cable Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 more...
A List of Dumps
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and more...
Name of intended recipient..................................................
Name of applicant..........................................
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Applicant's Relationship to Intended Recipient
Husband ( ) Wife ( ) Acquaintance ( )
Fiancee ( ) Boyfriend ( ) Family pet ( )
Friend ( ) Girlfriend ( ) Mother-in-law ( )
(Tick appropriate box)
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My reason/s for this application is/are
Marriage ( ) Practice ( )
Birthday ( ) Health ( )
Pre-marital check ( ) Aids test ( )
Annual target ( ) Anniversary ( )
No cable television ( ) Prevent healing up ( )
Other reason/s.............................................
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Type Required
Fast ( ) Slow ( ) Long ( ) Short ( ) Multiple more...
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Take me to your leader
From: Dennis
UFOs are nothing to worry about
There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. Well, the only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried last week. Clinton can't even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now.
Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.
Well if these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. I'm not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys more...
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.and the number one change....1. "You've been watching TV more...
An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept..
Dear Cretins
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B & H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not more...
"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." [Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power more...