Calorie Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e. g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. e. g. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. more...

Two blondes decided to share a can of diet soda. One blonde opened the can, poured half the contents into her own glass, and the other half into her friend's glass. Before throwing the can away, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
"Wow, there's only one calorie per can," she commented.
"Hmmmm," replied her friend, "I wonder which glass has the calorie!"

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
"'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.
"Hmm," murmured the other blonde.
"I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:
Breakfast - I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.
Lunch - Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.
Afternoon Tea - The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.
Dinner - 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.
Late Night Snack - Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: more...