Catch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How do you catch a bear?

A: Dig a deep hole, put meat in the bottom and line it with ashes. When the bear comes kick him in the ash-hole.

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the more...

Bob, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?"
"SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son!" 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never more...

A husband and wife were screwing up a storm. Afterward, the husband headed to the bathroom to clean up. He was halfway down the hall when his 6-year-old son also stepped into the hallway and was shocked to see his old man standing there wearing nothing more than a condom.
The boy pointed at his father's penis and asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control, started with a bullshit story. "Son, I'm trying to catch a mouse."
The boy, still in shock, asked, "What are ya gonna do when ya catch it. .. fuck it?"

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hotsummer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a bigbundle of wire." Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here'schicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!""You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!""Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back atthe end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickenscaught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kidcomes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, thishere ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catchme some ducks!""You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer more...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As they're driving home, they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didnt catch any more!"

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle - there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I more...