Caught Jokes / Recent Jokes
Yo Mama is so dumb I caught her staring at a piece of paper. She sait it was Pay-Per View!
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use more...
George went fishing, but at the end of the day he had not caught one fish. On the way back to camp, he stopped at a fish store. I want to buy three trout, he said to the owner. But instead of putting them in a bag, throw them to me. Why should I do that? the owner asked. So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to f@ck the cat. ......... 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. .......................... 36 times
3. Did not come. ...................................... 21 times
4. Came too soon. ..................................... 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. .................... 33 times
6. Toes cramped. ...................................... 10 times
7. Working too late. .................................. 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. ................. 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. ... 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. ...................... 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. .......... 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. .................. 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your more...
There was once a very depressed man that went to see the psychiatrist. He was advised to go on a holiday to unwind and relax his mental and emotional burdens. Upon his return from the holiday, the man's assistant went to the airport to welcome him back.
Man: "How's everything here?"
Assistant: "Well, nothing much, but your dog died."
Man: "How did he die?"
Assistant: "Well, because he ate burned horse meat."
Man: "Where did the meat come from?"
Assistant: Well..your ranch caught fire and burned down."
Man: "What? How did that happen?"
Assistant: "It was the sparks from your house that started the fire on the ranch."
Man: "What? A fire broke out in my house?"
Assistant: "Yes, the curtains caught fire from your mother's altar."
Man: "My mum's what?"
Assistant: "Oh..your mother's altar. Well, she died."
Man: "All this more...
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line.
It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums more...
I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer, puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!