Cause Jokes / Recent Jokes

Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.
One of the programmes is called "The Dating Network (TM)" and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that it's on every night.
Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: "Successful singles don't do to singles bars! They don't go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)..."
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single...?
Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch 'cause NYPD Blue really isn't quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.
They announced that they didn't feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so they're instead showing movies more...

Relationship Rules.....
1. The female makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express more...

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.
The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"
The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!"
So the boss yells, "Get out!"
The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"
The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!"
So the boss says, "Get out!"
As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it."
So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?"
The guy says, "Your wearing contacts!"
And the boss more...

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.

Susie said your heart,' cause you need it to love.

Richie said your head,' cause you need it to think.

Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the pastor asked why.

Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

New warning labels for liquor, wine and beer containers:
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of more...

Now that I'm older... here's what I've discovered...
I started out with nothing..I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few... Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only more...

Now that I'm older... here's what I've discovered... I started out with nothing..I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few... Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only more...