Ceiling Jokes / Recent Jokes

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I`ve learned from my children:
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2, 000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old`s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. more...

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses".The man continued to peruse the ceiling.George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses".The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last
time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the
wilderness".

George W. Bush was standing in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long flowing white robe, with long white hair and white beard. The man held a staff in one hand and had some stone tablets under his other arm.
Approaching the man, George W. inquired, "Pardon me, but aren't you Moses?" Ignoring George W., the man stared at the ceiling.
Positioning himself more directly in the man's view, George W. again asked, "Excuse me, aren't you Moses?" Still the man continued staring at the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once more, "Aren't you Moses?" Finally, the man responded in an aggravated tone, "Yes, I am!"
George W. then asked the man his reason for being so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up spending forty years in the desert."

To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you more...

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.
One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet." To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, "I more...

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw
an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white
robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at
the ceiling, and asked, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling,
saying nothing.
Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir,
aren't you Moses?"
Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a
word.
George W. tried a third time, louder yet, "Excuse me sir, aren't you
Moses?"
Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at
the ceiling.
One of George W.'s aides asked him if there was a problem, and George
W. said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him
three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."
To which the more...

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."