Center Jokes / Recent Jokes

Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch
Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which cost you only $30.00 a month, the more...

(Well, since there seems to be a plethora of Soviet jokes anyway...
This one was told to me by a Russian.)
It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine
whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the
designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each
was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed.
The leaders shook hands.
Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks,
facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise more...

The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C. O. N.)
Tonya Harding Presents…
Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?
Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?
Haven’t you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80’s against you?
Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the……
Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization
That’s right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.

Check out our price list:
Blow to the knee……………………….. $99. 95
Blow to both knees (a better buy)………… $149. 95
Blow to the head……………………….. $124. 95
Knife in the back more...

Watertown, New York:
It was eagle-eyed zookeepers who noticed first. The DNA testing only
proved what they already suspected.
The Thompson Park Zoo's American bald eagle breeding program was going
nowhere. Not with two males, anyway.
"We had our suspicions right away. The birds are virtually the identical
size," said Director Glenn D. Dobrogosz, who laughed Tuesday about the
gender mix-up that provided a comical start to the zoo's new eagle
breeding program.
"It happens. Not a lot. But it happens," he said.
The two American bald eagles - supposedly a male and female - arrived at
the zoo last July from the Bird Treatment and Learning Center in
Anchorage, Alaska.
The two males became good buddies but zookeepers quickly realized there
would be no amorous flights for these two, Dobrogosz said.
Because bald eagle males and females share the same coloring
characteristics, it is difficult to determine gender more...

From the 1/26/96 editorial page of the Manchester Union Leader,
with credits to the Western Journalism Center:
In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen.
Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment
to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator.
The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face
of New Mexico's legal system:
The amendment said: ''When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies
during a defendant's competentcy hearing, the psychologist or
psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than
two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted
with stars and lightning bolts.
''Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required
to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length,
and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by
stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or
psychiatrist provides more...

You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If...
They have a separate circuit breaker for their rice cooker.
Only NOW they know that cilantro is the same as Chinese parsley.
They measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of their index finger. They know which market sells poi on which days.
They know that Char Sung Hut is closed on Tuesday.
They can handle shoyu with green mango, li hing mui gummy bears, raw egg on hot rice, and pearl tea (carnation milk in hot water with sugar) with creme crackers.
Their refrigerator has half-empty jar of mango chutney from the `95 Punahou Carnival.
The condiments at the table are shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah watah, and kimchee. Also, takuwan, Hawaiian salt, slice onion, and pickle onion. They go to Maui and their luggage home includes potato chips, manju, cream puffs, and guri guri for omiyage.
They think the four food groups are starch (rice), Spam, fried food, and fruit punch.
A balanced meal has three more...

TAN TOCK SENG, SINGAPORE -- The National Pimples Center, NPC, is planning to stage the largest charity show sometime next year to raise funds for the treatment of severe acnes. "We have decided to stage such a charity show to raise fund for our acnes patients following the success of the other charity shows", said Ms Agnes Pim, public relation manager of NPC. She was referring to the NKF Local and Foreign Celebrities Charity Shows, President Star Charity Show and the recent SNHA Charity Show. "We believe this Charity Show of ours will be the best, and will received the largest amount of donation ever. We have restructured our organization to link our executives annual bonuses to the amount of donation received. We believe that this compensation program will enable us to achieve our target of S$1 billion in donation monies.", said Ms Agnes Pim. She also indicated that it should not be too difficult to raise such a huge amount given the soft-heartedness of most more...