Cents Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bachelor's DietMONDAY: BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox. AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maaloxDINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------TUESDAY: BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslawLUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------WEDNESDAY: BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast more...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and more...

The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." "No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:

10 pounds sugar at $1. 25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1. 50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1. 10 a pound
2 bars soap at $. 83 each

"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don`t want to buy the items... that`s our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man is shopping for the cookout he’s having. He notices a sign in a butcher shop window advertising ‘Ground Sirloin: 39 cents per pound’. Entering the shop, he tells the butcher he would like five pounds of the ground sirloin. “Sorry, sir, ” replies the butcher. “I’m all out. ” Disappointed, the man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin? ” “It’s $3. 59 per pound, ” replies the butcher. “What! ” exclaims the man. “The butcher up the street is selling it for 39 cents per pound! ” Smiling calmly, the butcher asks, “Does he have any? ” “Not right now, no. He told me he’s out of it, ” replies the man. Grinning, the butcher says, “Well sir, when I don’t have any, I can sell it for 29 cents per pound! ”

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please." The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?" "Eleven cents," says the bartender. The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?" "Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks. "Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE + DONUTS FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.