Cereal Jokes / Recent Jokes
This is a script I wrote for our campus humor paper. So copyright me,
and the Koala, and the Regents, and I printed it first so if you copy
it I can sue you for imaginary damages.
(Scene: The inside of a restaurant. As people eat, the announcer walks in
from the left and faces the camera.)
Announcer: Tonight, we are here at the Platinum Penguin
restaurant in Beverly Hills, where we've secretly
replaced the fine coffee they usually serve with sand
and ground-up clam shells. Here's what they thought.
(Cut to table #1. Man sips the coffee and spits it out all over his wife.
Cut to table #2. Woman sips coffee and starts gagging. Cut to inside
kitchen. The cook, screaming, pours the coffee out all over the floor. Cut
to table #1, where couple is trying to recover)
Announcer: You're right! (Couple looks at announcer as he puts
can of coffee on table) This isn't real coffee, it's...
Forgers!
(Fade to black.)
(Scene: The more...
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough." "Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?" "You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
A little boy sits down at the breakfast table. Since he lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "No, not yet," he replies. His mother tells him that he can't have any breakfast until his chores are done.
He gets pissed and stomps off. He goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. Then, he goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.
He goes back to the table and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"Why don't I get any bacon and eggs? Why isn't there any milk in my cereal," he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon either. I also saw you kick a cow, so there's no milk for you this morning."
Just then, his father enters the kitchen and kicks the cat out of his way.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a grin and says, "So, mom, are you going to tell him, or more...
FINALLY, a way to know what to throw-out and what to save!
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or more...