Certificate Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said,' I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.'

His buddy said,' I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!' So, the first fellow did just that.

The next day his buddy asked,' Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?'

'She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling,' I'll see you in two hours'!'

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was more...

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
- I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
- Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. more...

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead. This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut more...

One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw one sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form. So the couple enquired eagerly "What are you doing? " Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination. On the next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked - "What are you doing here? " Sardarji once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi? Sardarji cooly replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITALS"

The following are excerpts from actual letters received by the welfare department of an unnamed state. "I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. "I had seven but one died which was baptized on half a sheet of paper." "I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?" "Mrs. Jackson has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy." "I cannot get sick pay, I have six children. Can you tell me why?" "I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead." "This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?" "Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows." "I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illegitimate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born." "In answer to your letter, more...

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed thedeath certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not takenany steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let meput it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on mydesk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing lawsomewhere."