Chair Jokes / Recent Jokes

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you better be good or you're history. Here is your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first. She walk past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begin to charge at her, so she throw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and start licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turn to the young man and asks, "Can more...

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I`m not going to go through this. You know I`ll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist`s eyes light up and he starts drooling.The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don`t you realize that you`ll never reach the food?"The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I`ll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.' We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!' The man said,' You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said,' Then you're not the right man for this job.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,' You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after more...

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5.00, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room, huh?" asks the old man.
"Heck no!" replies the old lady, "I want it four times in the rocking chair!!"

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going more...

What time is it when an elephant sits in your chair?
Time to get a new chair.

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in more...