Chair Jokes / Recent Jokes
A woman was sitting in the dentist chair and the dentist was just about to start drilling. The woman reaches over, unzips his pants and slips her hand inside, curling her fingers around his balls.
She looks up at him sweetly. "Now we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
This little old lady was sitting on her front porch in her rocking chair reflecting on her long life when a fairy godmother approached her to grant her three wishes. "What would you like for your first wish, she said."The little old lady said "I guess I'm like everyone else, and would like to be rich." POOF-her rocking chair turned into solid gold. "And, for your second wish?" She asked."Well, again, like everyone else, I wish I were young and beautiful." POOF-she was turned into a beautiful young woman. As she was trying to come up with her third wish, her cat walked across the porch in front of her. "Ooh-can you turn him into a handsome prince?" POOF-before her eyes was the most handsome young man she had ever seen. She was sitting there all smitten-he smiled at her with a smile that made her knees week. He slowly approached
her and whispered in her ear. "I'll bet you're really pissed off that you had me neutered."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same more...
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly
noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the
table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table
and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
... saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, more...
Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear-- that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling; the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV, where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie; the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should; or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss' bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us; "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist; "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?" I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night, and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense was caught in our eight foot electrified fence; he called out, more...
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.Then he starting leaning forward.This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?""It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"