Chair Jokes / Recent Jokes

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.
By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

A Pakistani dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Pakistani hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Pakistani devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is more...

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the rabbi what he should do. The rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.
Three more...

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he more...

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. The waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting
unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from
him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order,
she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door."

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear-
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot more...