Chemist Jokes / Recent Jokes

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer`s eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist`s view of astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen more...

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.
Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the more...

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking."
Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
Definition: (Fe)male: Male with iron added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetisim.
Acid is base.
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
"Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom, recalcitrantly.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third man a Chemist, and the fourth a Government worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog,' T-Square, do your stuff!' T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart!

Then the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,' Spreadsheet, show them how smart you are!' Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was good!

Yet the Chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said,' Measure, do your thing!' Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. more...

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six more...

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in. "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" "No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released. Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. "Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."