Chemist Jokes / Recent Jokes

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. ”T-square, do your stuff. ”
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff. ” Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.
“Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the more...

Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years and having seven children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless. After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm Method" but, despite trying the Tango and the Samba my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at five o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested we use the "Safe Period". At the time we were living with the in laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, b ut I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and the wife pregnant. Another old wives' tale was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse more...

Two old ladies stood waiting for a bus when one pulls out a pack of condoms, cuts the end off one and puts it over her cigerette before lighting it.
Her friend seeing what she has done says "What is that over your fag?"
She replied "Its a condom. I bought them the other day and whenever its raining I put one of these over my fag and it doesnt get wet.
"Oh" replied the friend "Where can I get some of those?"
"Any chemist her friend replied you can get packs of 3, 6, or 12"
The bus came and when they got to the town the second friend makes her way to the chemist to buy some condoms and asks the lady behind the till for some condoms.
Giving a little smirk the lady says and what size would you like thinking for a moment the old lady replies big enough to fit a camel please.

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad.
The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped.
The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped.
The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" ask the chemist. "I did", replied the assistant. "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house."

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?""Head up," said the doctor."Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor`s neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn`t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine."Head up or head down?" said the executioner."Head up.""Blindfold or no blindfold?""No blindfold."So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist`s more...

one day a man said to his son go get some fruit pills from the chemist.so the boy is skipping down the road chanting " fruit pills for daddy, fruit pills for daddy" and he runs into a poll and bumps his head and forgets what he was saying. then he got up saying root pills for daddy, root pills for daddy he gets to the chemist and says can i have some root pills please and the lady says yes but tell your daddy that he needs to take 1 every 24 hours.the boy is skipping home chanting 1 every 24 hours,1 every 24 hours and bumps into a poll.then he gets up saying 24 every 1 hour, 24 every 1 hour he gets home gives his father the pills and says take 24 every 1 hour.the father reads the bottle and says these are not fruit pills go back and get some.so the boy is runing chanting fruit pilss for daddy, fruit pills for daddy and runs into a poll he gets up saying root pills for daddy, root pills for daddy.he gets to the chemist and asks for some root pills the lady asks how are you more...