Chemist Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware more...
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sunny: "What's that?" Tina: "A condom." Sunny: "Where'd you get it?" Tina: "You can get them at any chemist" The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
And now the tasting test...
And now shake it a bit...
In which glass was my mineral water?
Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
And now the detonating gas problem.
This is a completely safe experimental setup.
Now you can take the protection window away...
Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
And now a cigarette...
A physical chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist, but gets intimated by the math.
Q: What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?
A: A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.