Chew Jokes

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the more...

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During World War II, twice as many fighter pilots were killed during training than combat
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In 1962 an outbreak of contagious laughter in Tanganyika lasted for six months and caused schools to be closed
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A nautical mile measures 6,080 feet while a land or statute mile is 5,280 feet
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No one can drown in the Dead Sea. It is 25 percent salt, which makes the water very heavy
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Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water
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Earth's oceans contain 7 1/2 million tons of gold, dissolved in the water
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Children who are breastfed tend to have an I.Q. seven points higher than children who are not.
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The bird flu virus could evolve into a form that is easily spread between people, resulting in a highly contagious and lethal disease.
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The Chinese, in olden days, used marijuana only as a remedy for dysentery.
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If you are right handed, you will tend more...

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every more...

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"

New Deal software runs in a preemptive, multithreaded multitasking
environment. But what does that mean? Here's an explanation from one
of the designers of the software.
The Walking and Chewing Gum Theory
Single-Tasking: You are walking down the street
and you decide you would like to chew gum. You stop, untie your shoes
and take them off, get a pack of gum from your pocket, take out a
stick, put it in your mouth and then chew. When you are done chewing
you remove the gum from your mouth, place it carefully back inside the
wrapper, put it in your pocket, put back on your shoes and then
continue to walk.
Task-Switching: You are walking down the street
and you decide you would like to chew gum. You slip out of your
loafers, grab the piece of gum you have stashed behind your ear for
just such an emergency and chew, chew, chew. When you are done
chewing, you remove the gum from your mouth and quickly place it
behind your ear more...