Children Jokes / Recent Jokes

Johnnie wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks... but nothing happened.
Johnnie decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president.
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Johnnie a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
When Johnnie received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, those jerks took 95%.
Love,
Johnnie

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it, while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.
After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.
"It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
11. Dinner Special - Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00
12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
14. We do not tear your clothing more...

[Original Author: Richard Lederer, St Paul's School]
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of
the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an more...

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the thestranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heardthat flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with yourfellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and saidto the stranger "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But letme ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eatgrass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cowturns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Whydo you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified todiscuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

Q. What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A. A milk shake!