Chimpanzee Jokes

The N.Y. Post apologized for a cartoon that appeared to compare Barack Obama to a chimpanzee. I don't understand all the fuss. This isn't the first time a President has been depicted as an animal. For eight years George Bush was portrayed as a jackass.

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law’s death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, ‘Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes. ’

The wife wants to try the missionary position. She’s on top while I’m in Africa.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals. ”

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

A woman posted a personal ad that read, “Husband wanted”. The next day she received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine!! ”

Man: “I know how to please a woman. ”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone. ”

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? ” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man. more...

A woman and her baby get on a bus.
The bus driver looks at the woman, and then her baby,
and then screams, `AHHHH! That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen in my life!`
The woman then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, `Are you ok, dear?`
The woman replies, `I`m so angry, that bus driver just insulted me.`
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I`ll watch your chimpanzee."

Shotgun wedding = A case of wife or death.

What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching his ass… and the other is a chimpanzee.

The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.

What is most embarrasing thing that can happy to a man?
Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking his nose.

My mother-in-law told me exercise helps her burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.

Why do men wear hair gel and aftershave?
Because they’re often under increasing pressure from a society which over simplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes OR is it because they’re ugly and they smell bad?

Why more...