"Men & Marriage One-Liners" joke

Shotgun wedding = A case of wife or death.

What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching his ass… and the other is a chimpanzee.

The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.

What is most embarrasing thing that can happy to a man?
Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking his nose.

My mother-in-law told me exercise helps her burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.

Why do men wear hair gel and aftershave?
Because they’re often under increasing pressure from a society which over simplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes OR is it because they’re ugly and they smell bad?

Why can’t little girls fart?
They don’t get assholes till they’re married.

What’s the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
They’re both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them.

Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-laws.