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Three men got shipwreck on an island. A native tribe that lived on the island said" You have come on our property and must now die.""You will choose a weapon, kill yourself, and we will build a boat out of your skin." The first guy chooses a knife and stabs himself in the heart. The second guy chooses a gun and shoots himself. The third guy asks for a fork. The tribe gives him a fork and the guy stabs himself all over. Then he says" Forget your boat you fuckin @ssholes!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to her more...

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;
Additionally,
a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress more...

"Welcome to Heaven," St. Peter says to the newly arrived politician. "Before you settle in, you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the people. They play golf and dine on lobster and caviar. The devil is also there, a very friendly guy who laughs and tells jokes.
It is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven.
24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud more...

While walking down the street one day a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

Welcome to Heaven says St. Peter. Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see so we are not sure what to do with you.

No problem just let me in. says the Republican.

Well I would like to but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

Really I have made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven says the Republican head of state.

I am sorry but we have our rules. And with that St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down down down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and more...

Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
With such a large selection of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.
Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.
FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
no seat belts.
COBOL
A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but more...

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of more...