Herself Jokes

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing more...

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be more...

[Not good reading, but good for a group]
An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She
gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, ''Was I getting into the
tub or getting out?'' She calls out, ''Bernice! Was I getting
into the bathtub or getting out?''
Bernice says, ''Well I don't know. I'll have to come up and look.''
Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway
up and thinks to herself, ''Was I going up the stairs or down?'' She
calls out ''Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?''
Sally, down in the living room calls back, ''How should I know?'' and
thinks to herself, ''I'm glad I'm not losing my mind like the other people
in this house.''
So Sally starts...
Do you remember the punchline to this joke?

10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.
Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.
He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating " Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man."
Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.
Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and more...

Little Leroy was always getting into trouble with his mother. One day his mother was in the kitchen doing the dishes and she looks out and sees that little Leroy has tied up the cat. She says to herself "what is that little shit doing to that damn cat this time?"
Little Leroy leaves the cat lying in the grass next to the driveway and runs into the house and asks his mother for a piece of chalk and some M&M's.
She thinks for a minute and realizes that not even little Leroy can harm the cat with chalk and M&M's. She gives Leroy the chalk and M&M's and he runs outside.
He sets the M&M's next to the cat and takes the chalk and draws a line all the way down the drive way. Mom sees this and says to herself what is that damn boy doing? She is very curious so she stands there and watches.
Little Leroy goes back to where the cat is lying in the grass and picks up the cat and his M&M's.
He then goes over and sits down on the chalk line. He then proceeds to pop the more...