Cigarette Jokes

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes more...

Welcome to EBONICS 101Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar..."Damn- that shit is DOPE!"That is a wonderful concept/object/action."Can't FADE that."I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time."Shante ain't havin' it."This is not something that Shante will allow to occur."Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats."Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music."YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity."What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!"Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs."She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time."Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, more...

Little Johnny was late for class. He walked into the classroom, quietly shut the door behind him, and tiptoed to his seat, all the while hoping his teacher wouldn't notice. But, nevertheless, the teacher was well aware of his entry.
Upset by his tardiness, the teacher asked, "Is this how your father would have come in? Would he have come in late and tried to sneak to his desk?"
The teacher pointed to the door and continued, "Now, leave this classroom and try it again. And, be sure to get it right next time!"
So, Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room. A few moments later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.
He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the floor, and said, "So, Honey, didn't expect *me*, did you?"

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking cigarettes while masturbating could cause personal injury. Recommend taking a class to adequately prepare for such a task.
Surgeon General's Warning: Don't take this fine print too seriously; the feds make us print it.
Surgeon General's Warning: 100% pure tax.
Surgeon General's Warning: No matter how hard you try, you'll never look as cool as Bogart.
Surgeon General's Warning: This cigarette mascot has phallic facial features.
Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.
Surgeon General's Warning: If you actually wear the free clothing you get from collecting multiple empty cigarette packs, you will look like a moron.
Surgeon General's Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that cigarette smoking may cause women to look like cheap, sleazy sluts.
Surgeon General's Warning: Keith Richards is a fluke.
Surgeon General's Wwarning: The Surgeon General has more...

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the more...