Clear Jokes / Recent Jokes
Source: Colleague at Wash. Dept. of Info. Services, Olympia, Washington
o Trust everybody... then cut the cards.
o Two wrongs are only the beginning.
o If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
o To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
o Exceptions prove the rule... and wreck the budget.
o Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
o Quality assurance doesn't.
o The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
o Exceptions always outnumber rules.
o To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
o No one is listening until you make a mistake.
o He who hesitates is probably right.
o The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
o If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier more...
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."Tech Support: "You did what, sir?"Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used more...
RECOUNT DEMANDED BY METSNEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. "We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit." One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact more...
Why is the sky not happy on clear days? It has the blues
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by transmission towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal ornamental towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the story together.
The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right more...
Real opcodesAAC Alter All Commands AAD Alter All Data AAO Add And Overflow AAR Alter At Random AB Add Backwards ABC AlphaBetize Code ABR Add Beyond Range ACC Advance CPU Clock ACDC Allow Controller to Delete Contents ACDP Allow Controller to Die Peacefully ACQT Advance Clock to Quitting Time ADB Another Dumb Bug AEE Absolve Engineering Errors AFF Add Fudge Factor AFHB Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary AFP Abnormalize Floating Point AFR Abort Funny Routine AFVC Add Finagle`s Variable Constant AGB Add GarBage AGWA Add and Get Wrong Answer AI Add Improper AIB Attack Innocent Bystander AIB Attack Innocent Bystanders AISG Access and Improve Student Grade AMM Add Mayo and Mustard AMM Answer My Mail AMS Add Memory to System ANC ANnoy Consultant AOI Annoy Operator Immediate AR Advance Rudely AR Alter Reality ARN Add and Reset to Non-zero ARN Add and Reset to Nonzero ARZ Add and Reset to Zero AS Add Sideways ASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSI AT Accumulate Trivia AWP Argue With more...
A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They're just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.
The doctor insists, "I'll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I'll be able to tend to my wounds."
The priest says, "No, no my son, I shall swim for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections I'm sure to make it."
While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move away and clear a path for the attorney.
A little while later, the barrister retruns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks clear a path for him.
He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest more...