Close Jokes / Recent Jokes
- A collaborative effort written over lunch
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This past weekend, President Clinton was visiting the
Hamptons, New York's tony beach resort -- where the rich and
famous have there summer homes -- for several Democratic party
fund raisers which were hosted by well known celebrities such
as Kim Bassinger as well as by some of Wall Street's biggest
financiers.
During his stay in the Hamptons, President Clinton was invited
to stay at the Georgica Pond Estate of Steven Spielberg, the
most famous producer of the past 20 years.
It has been learned from inside sources close to the
president, that after all of the parties were over,
Bill and Steve retired to the library and discussed some
possible remakes of films to reflect modern times.
While many names are still being kept quiet, our sources have
indicated that the following titles will be remade during more...
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Ok Fuck, I'm in deep shit now.".... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Jesus, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a more...
Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex? She can't stand it to see her husband enjoy himself.
Q: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
A: Open the door put the elephant in and close the door
Q: How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Open the door take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door
Q: If there is an animal meeting and every single animal is going to be there except for one, which one would it be?
A: The giraffe, It's still stuck in the Fridge
Q: If you had to get across a swamp and it was full of crocodiles how would you do it?
A: Just swim across, The crocodiles are at the animal meeting.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
Tim and Joe finished their weekly round of golf with Tim pulling out his typical victory, although not by the customary wide margin. Even though the match was unusually close, Joe seemed more upset than usual by the outcome.
"Talk about the worst luck in the world," grumbled Joe as they headed into the locker room. "I just can't seem to buy a darn break."
"Why are you being so hard on yourself?" asked Tim. You played great all week. Heck, you almost actually won."
"That's what's so aggravating," yelled Joe….I cheated like crazy and I still lost!"