Close Jokes / Recent Jokes
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a more...
If you see a message on the boards with a subject line of "BADTIMES", delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.
This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer (20' range at 72 Fahrenheit). It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother's number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear more...
Any time you feel dumb, don`t worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn`t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived more...
Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex? Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A gas station in Tupelo Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Win Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged more...
I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line.
Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting more...