Closer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two blondes are sitting on a porch in Ontario.The first blonde says to the second blonde" Which is closer? Vancouver or the Moon." And the second blonde replyed," well the moon you idiot, you can see it!"

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they told their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner.
After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:
"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now, remove my garter belt and panties."
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a more...

Our son is in the Army, stationed in Georgia. He invited my husband and I for a visit.
After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."
"How do you know?" I asked.
He pointed to a sign that read:
Sonny's Bar-B-Q
Tank Parking Available

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.
"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.
"I have no idea," the husband says.
"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: "What are we having for dinner?"
No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, he's standing right behind her: "What's for dinner?"
She turns around, looks at him and says:"For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!"

This man went to the doctor because he had a problem. The doctor asked him what was wrong and the man said his dick was orange. So the doctor ran all the normal tests on him to see what was wrong. The doctor did not find any thing wrong with the man so the doctor asked the man if he lived next to a waste dump. The man said "NO". Then the doctor asked him if he handled any toxic chemicals at work. Again the man said "NO that he didn't have a job". So the doctor asked him what he did all day long and the man said " I just sit around, watch Playboy Channel, and Eat CHEETOS."
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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar on the counter with about 10 thousand dollars in it. He asks the bartender about and he says, "I'll give that money to anyone who does exactly what I say."
The man replies "okay I'll do it."
The bartender says "okay but first why don't you have a more...

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. more...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the more...