Closer Jokes / Recent Jokes
Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther? Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling... coming closer... closer... Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do? Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey “I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end. ”
The other monkey said o. k. I’ll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can. So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees.
The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks “Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch.
So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and starts to read it.
All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says, “Did you see a monkey run by here? ” The monkey goes, “You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end? ” And the lion says, ”Dang it was in the paper already? ”
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl said.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end more...
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to more...
One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.
Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.
The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most lifelike statue you've ever seen?"
She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.
"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of more...
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "Its not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "Its not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "Its not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since youve had a cigarette?""Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, thats more...