Coffee Jokes / Recent Jokes
Saddam Hussein`s stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK`d a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.
A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he`s still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)
AT & T announced last week it will lay off up to 8, 000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got more...
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
* One Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.
** Two Star Hangover No pain.
Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!). Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.
*** Three Star Hangover Slight more...
You know you've had too much coffee when...
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
Instant coffee takes too long
You chew on other people's fingernails
You answer the door, before people knock
You sleep with your eyes open
You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore
You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there
You help your dog chase its tail
You lick your coffeepot clean
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
You're so wired you pick up FM radio
You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!
When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked, how to plug it in, set the timer, to back to bed, “…and upon rising the coffee is ready! ”
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. “Wonderful! ” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee? ”
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. .. but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of more...
I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "Another year older", but decided to make the best of it.
So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say Happy Birthday, dear.
All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn''t say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot.
The kids will be in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me. There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.
Finally the kids came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast", "I''m late", "Where is my coat", and "I''m going to miss the bus". Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a smile more...