Coffee Jokes / Recent Jokes
Tim is sitting in a coffee shop when his girlfriend, Anna walks in the door.
Anna: You wont believe how my day went! Firstly I went shopping with the girls and spent $1000, then went on this cruise on the harbour and lastly went and saw my friend Paris.
Tim: Thanks for answering all the questions, I didnt ask!
You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion more...
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you witch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!" Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says... "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!"
… A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s gonads and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the more...
Top Ten Things You Don`t Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I`m using one of my old undershirts."9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It`s a legal alternative to crack."8. "Let me make sure that`s not too hot."7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."5. "Sugar with that?"4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin` Donuts for coffee, I`ll break your legs!"2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me."1. "After work, I`m gonna pick up a hooker-uccino."