Coffee Jokes / Recent Jokes

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrowattention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eightsharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat downat a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinklein his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining roomand seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and hervoice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby forhis morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an oldhusband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

Not long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee eleves weren't making toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind. To top it off, Mrs. Claus had just told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found the three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey only to find out that the elves had drunk every last drop. In frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten it.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all more...

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, more...

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. ~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. ~ Coffee never runs out. ~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. ~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. ~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. ~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. ~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less. ~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents. ~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. ~ You can always heat up coffee. ~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. ~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. ~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE!

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get more...

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road, so he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he reads a sign: "NO NERDS". He shrugs it off and enters. He is greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver", he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" Asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "it's nerd season". "Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd more...

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!