Coffee Jokes / Recent Jokes
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed-walk in your sleep.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other more...
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.
Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs.
The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it.
Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking more...
Jake and Saul are 2 old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turn to the Obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He then correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers; "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
OK, OK, I've got the paper more...
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you witch!"Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!" Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says... "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!"
You know you're drinking too much coffee when... You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize more...
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.
".. . and to drink?" she asked.
The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God! I am so sorry!"
"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin, "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"