"You Know You're Drinking too Much Coffee When" joke

You don't sweat, you percolate.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed-walk in your sleep.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.