Cohen Jokes / Recent Jokes

The last request
Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther Glickman came up to him in tears.
"What`s bothering you so, dear?" inquired Rabbi Cohen.
"Oh, Rabbi, I`ve got terrible news," replied Esther.
"Well what is it, Esther?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Rabbi."
"Oh, Esther", said the Rabbi, "That`s terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did Rabbi," replied Esther.
"What did he ask, Esther?"
Esther replied, "He said, `Please, please Esther, put down the gun...`

Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling
down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen.
Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's
asked the elderly lady-- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you
feeling?"

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a
terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how
I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs
hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast
and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches
and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with
compassion, "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you
come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was
just waiting until I felt a little better."

Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.
Rabbi Ginsberg says, "We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they kept coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?"
The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen, replied, "We have the same problem at our synagogue, we've spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?"
The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and told the following story:
"Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue. We tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked. Then one Shabbos after services were over a brilliant idea came into my mind. The next Shabbos I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon, hundreds more...

mr cohen was a jewish g-dfearing man who always trusted Hashem.one day his house went on fire while he was sleeping.he woke up to see a fireman inside the burning building and the fireman said "come with me and you will be safe"
no said mr cohen hHashem will save me.
the fireman left.then a helicopter comes along and a man steps out and said come with us to saftey.
no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.away goes the helicopter.
then a crane comes along and a man says come with us.
no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.
mr cohen dies and goes to heaven and he asks Hashem.
why did i die i was the only one who trusted you.
and hhHashem said i sent you everything i could to help you what more do you want?

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.

'No fancy stuff, Doctor,' he ordered,' No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.'

'I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,' said the dentist admiringly.' Now, which tooth is it?'

Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky.' Show him, honey.'

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here." Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

Make me a Cohen, please
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000…then £75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"