College Jokes / Recent Jokes

In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you more...

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

You Know You're From Westchester When...
You go to a Dave Matthews Band concert and end up running into people you know from your school.
Half the people in your school mysteriously develop inner-Queens accents during 7th and 8th grade.
Starbucks is a regular stop for you.
You say Abercrombie & Fitch makes you want to puke, yet you sport at least one outfit from the store each week
NYU is your top choice for college.
If you go to Catholic school, you know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.
If you go to public school you still manage to know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.
Below 1400 is a "so-so" SAT score
You claim to hate your school, but you go to all the dances and play at least one varsity sport anyway.
Even though your best friend lives a stone's throw away, you have most of your conversations with him/her on AOL or AIM.
You know you have to act tough when going to The Galleria, or else more...

Authorities said a 19-year-old carjacking suspect from Detroit who was studying auto repair at a community college may have been using the skills he learned in class to dismantle stolen vehicles. It makes him the most successful community college graduate in recent memory.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student asked, "How much for a season pass?"

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...
75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
79. Procrastination becomes an art.
80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).