Colonel Jokes / Recent Jokes

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection." Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted." Give this man 30 dayscompassionate home leave." "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man." Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 dayscompassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given thisman two compassionate home leaves?" "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies." Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel more...

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
- Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign."I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward."Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
- Mayor more...

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in more...

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died." The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you." The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn`t enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he`ll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they`re very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises he can`t stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it more...