Column Jokes / Recent Jokes
Tired of the overuse of four-letter words? Here's one solution:
Give your friends, family, and fellow students (who are abusers) this
Shakespearean Insult Kit to use as a suitable replacement when the
mood arises.
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THE OFFICIAL SHAKESPEAREAN INSULT KIT
To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from
each of the three columns below, and preface it with' Thou':
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted more...
John got very bad migraines. Incredibly bad. He would get sick and nauseous. After numerous tests, John's doctor came up with the solution"You have a unique physiology John. Your testicles are pushing back against your spinal column, causing your headaches. There are two remedies. Surgery to remove your testicles in which case the pain will be gone, or medication that will reduce the pain, but you will always have it."After much consideration, John elected to have the surgery. Everything went great and the pain was gone. A few weeks later, John was feeling down and a friend suggested that he go downtown and buy himself a suit. John was told about a suitmaker who could take measurements by looking at someone. John took his friends advice and walked into the tailor shop. A little old man wandered out and looked at John and said:"44 long. Your coat size is 44 long."
Astonished, John agreed.
"Neck size 16 1/2". John was amazed and said so.
"I more...
STATE OF OHIO DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
BULLETIN NO. 981059
DATE: October 21, 2000
TO: All Ohio Vehicle Owners
FROM: Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches
Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 69-13, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after Oct. 21, 2000 will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. Ohio DMV Act 69-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles.
The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.
Included in the above act and beginning October 21, 2000, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the more...
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like more...
WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED-THIS IS SATIRE
These are smilies :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
Use them liberally where indicated.
There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which
doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests
of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide
a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort;
I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small
details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.
Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author
of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?
Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science?
A: Truth is truth. It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth.
Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution?
A: Not more...