Newspaper Jokes

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, more...

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl cam up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird" the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" after a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

The Master of the house is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper.Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and shouts, "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!"The Master looks up calmly from the newspaper and says, "John, please. I have already told you before, if you do have something important to tell me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and civilised manner, about the issue. Now please, do so."John apologises and closes the door behind him. Three seconds later, the Master hears a knock on the door."Yes?"John partially enters the room and with a gesture one would make when welcoming and ushering in somebody and water flowing over his shoes, he announced, "Sir, the Thames."

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"