Commission Jokes / Recent Jokes

If God wanted Noah to build an ark in America today, it might go something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to more...

I just read in UPI that an audit commission has found that it actually takes six (British) National Health Service employees to change a hospital lightbulb!
It's true! The Daily Mail reported that it's a "sick joke" of a process for each lightbulb requires 17 separate administrative procedures, from ordering bulbs to a worker reporting a burnt-out lamp to the recording of the fact that a new bulb is in place and working.
The audit commission was looking into ways of reducing NHS costs by reducing time wasted by employees on administrative nonsense, so that more of the limited supply of pounds could be used for actual patient care.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me! cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an more...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction more...

As an investigator for the Fantasy Beings' Fair Housing Commission, Ferdinand Feghoot was assigned to look into complaints that the town of Donnybrook was systematically excluding the fictive.

The Mayor of Donnybrook was indignant.' That's nonsense!' he fumed.' Why, we have several families of Hobbits living here, the principal of our high school is an Elf, and one of our aldermen is an Orc.'

Feghoot shook his head sadly.' That,' he replied,' is only. . . Tolkien integration.'

(By Alan Follett based on a character by Richard Bretner)

A man is driving in his car in the Commission quarter when he arrived in a traffic jam near Schumann roundabout. A policeman is moving slowly between the cars, talking to the drivers. Finally he reaches our man.
Man: What's happening?
Policeman: Well, Jacques Santer and Edith Cresson are sitting on the road on the roundabout.
Man: Why?
Policeman: They are saying that they have lost their reputation and their job and that they are now broke. They are threatening to cover themselves in petrol and set themselves alight.
Man: That's terrible. What are you doing about it?
Policeman: I am making a collection for them.
Man: How much have you got?
Policeman: About 200 litres so far, but some people are still siphoning.

The verbatim report of the last meeting of the European Commission has leaked to the press. Here is a small part of that historic meeting.
Van Miert (talking to Cresson): You will resign you bitch, Verdomme, or I'll make you swallow your new teeth one by one.
Cresson: I will not sink alone (famous last words).
Pinheiro: My brother in law has invited me to a golf game tomorrow, could we please hurry up?
Bangeman (Talking to Santer): get down from the window you idiot you will hurt yourself.
Marin: I'm clean, clean, clean, clean, so clean, clean, clean, clean.
Sir Leon Brittan:(Talking to himself): Tony loves me.
Sir Leon Brittan:(Talking to Neil Kinnock): Tony loves you too.
Papoutsis: What is going on here? Who is going to resign? Who the hell is Santer?
Schroeder (on the phone): Calm down Jacques. It is not that bad.
Imagine that I had to deal with Lafontaine all my life. And now that I got rid of him he wants to become President of the more...