Committee Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been more...

The Republican National Committee has voted to recognize the H1N1 virus as the French Flu.
The Democratic National Committee has voted to recognize the H1N1 virus as the Bush Flu.

Dear Friend;
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raising
of $5, 000, 000. 00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame
in Washington, D. C.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was
not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never
told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
where he was, and returned not knowing where he had been. And he did it
all on borrowed money.
Over 3, 000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised
land." Nearly 3, 000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,
sit more...

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.

The program would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using' s' instead of the soft' c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy.

Then the hard' c' more...

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using' s' instead of the soft' c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard' c' could be replaced by' k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, more...