Computing Jokes / Recent Jokes
If architects had to work like programmers...Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If more...
Microsoft announced plans to open retail stores, hoping to boost visibility of many of its products and its brand. The move seems to be an effort to mimic the success that Apple has had with its retail stores. The news is just too tempting not to have some fun with. So here are some yet-to-be-officially-revealed details about the Microsoft stores.
1) Instead of Apple's sheer walls of glass, Microsoft's stores will have brushed steel walls dotted with holes -- reminiscent of Windows security.
2) The store will have six different entrances: Starter, Basic, Premium, Professional, Enterprise, and Ultimate. While all six doors will lead into the same store, the Ultimate door requires a fee of $100 for no apparent reason.
3) Instead of a "Genius Bar" (as Apple provides) Microsoft will offer an Excuse Bar. It will be staffed by Microsofties trained in the art of evading questions, directing you to complicated and obscure fixes, and explaining it's a more...
•WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
•WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
•WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
•WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
•WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
•WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
•WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
•WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
•WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
•WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
•WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
•WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
•WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
•WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
•WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
•WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our more...
IF POE WERE A TECHIE
Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
system manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there, doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the "save" command
and waited for the disk to store,
only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering,
long I sat there wond'ring, fearing
while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer
only this and nothing more, just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
longing for a happy ending,
hoping all more...
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive more...
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news... there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important more...